Everyone knew us. We were that picture-perfect couple. We were that couple that our small town knew. We had it all together or at least that’s what everyone thought. I was in love with the idea of marrying my high school sweetheart, and honestly, I thought I would. He was my best friend and boyfriend for 5 important years of my life. How was I going to start my life without him in it? My entire world shifted, my entire outlook on love changed, and yet I was blaming myself for the breakup. I feel as breakups come in three stages... Denial, Anger, And Hurt and I believe for me they came in that order. Denial Stage: when it all became real and we no longer communicated I didn’t want to believe it. How could the guy who claimed to love me, the guy who was there for me the last 5 years of my life do what he did. I was in denial, I would still wake up every morning checking my phone just hoping he might have texted me or he might have called, only to find out he never did and he never would. I was very much in love with this guy but yet it was all just gone. I remember laying there just telling myself “don’t worry he’ll regret it all, he’ll apologize, he will change his mind.” But that day never came. Then the Anger Stage set in: The more time went on and the more truth began to surface, I was bitter. I became so bitter and so angry, I was not fun to be around. I was miserable and making everyone around me miserable. I began to regret everything, every memory, every kiss, every year that went by that we shared together. I was so angry with him and so angry with the decisions he had made without me knowing. He ruined me, he ruined my outlook on love and my walls just went up. I never wanted to see him, I never wanted to hear his name, I never wanted to feel this way again. I just shut him completely out of my life, blocked him, deleted him, all of it. I wanted him to feel the way I felt, I wanted him to feel my pain, but yet I was never able to treat him and hurt him the way he had done me. I loved him too much, which only made me angrier with myself. I still loved him after everything. Finally, the Hurt Stage came: I was crying all the time. I was not wanting to go to class, I didn’t want to fix up, and I didn’t want to do anything. My parents would want me to come home on the weekends, I didn’t want too. I just was not myself. Every song that came on would make me cry. I remember walking to class one day listening to music and our song came on my Pandora, I began to cry uncontrollably and having to turn around and just go back home. I wanted him, after everything I just wanted him. He was the reason I was crying, but yet he was the one person I wanted to hold me and wipe my tears as I cried. But then one day I had a friend come over and remind me that I did nothing wrong, I was not the one that broke us. He did. He made the decisions he did with no hesitation, he chose to be unfaithful without thinking of me or us. He hurt me but ruined us. These three stages took place for me and in that order, and truthfully, I needed and had to experience these stages to move on. Now, I have my days where I still struggle, where I’ll hear our song and feelings can come back. But now, I know I was not to blame, that I had no regrets within our relationship and that I did all I could do. Unfortunately, you can love someone so much and shower them with your love and it still not be enough. Love is not easy, love does not lie nor does it cheat. One day I will open my heart back up to someone and I pray they will give me the love I deserve and I am able to give it back. Luke Combs said it best "What I thought was going to be the death of me was my saving grace."
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